The Last Time I Heard My Mother's Sweet Voice

Crazy!! A whole year has passed since I heard my Morher's sweet, sweet voice.

It was April 14, 2013.
Mama had been admiring a big faced watch that I wore, so I had gone and bought her one just like mine. I had picked up a few other things to take to her and headed over to Wills Creek Village where she lived out her twilight years.
When I went in her room that day, she was sitting on her sofa circling words like she so often did. Circling words.... Circling words.... It had become her favorite past time...and it always sent a stab of pain through my heart. My Mama was SITTING for hours at a time with nothing to do but circle words!
If you knew my Mama, this was not her! If ever there was a "Martha" personality, busy, busy, ever so busy, it was her!
When I walked in her room, she immediately smiled that huge, happy smile, put down her "circle the words" book, and stood up to hug me. I held her and held her. When she began to pull away that day, I couldn't let her go. I felt like I wanted to just hold on to her forever, so I held on, holding my precious mother for a long time. Then I held her face in my hands, looked in her smiling eyes and asked her if she knew how much I loved her. Oh, she knew and I knew...as well as we COULD know. But do you really know how very much you treasure a soul until they are gone and you CAN'T look in their eyes and hold them and tell them again???
We sat and visited for a while and laughed and talked....I don't remember about what. I put some things I'd brought her away and then sat down on her couch with her, pulled out the new watch, put it on her, and showed her how to close the clasp. When you have little to do but circle words all day, a little thing like sporting a pretty, new watch is exciting stuff and I knew she'd be getting some extra moments of joy running around showing off her new "pretty."
I told Mama that I wouldn't be back for a few days because I was giving a big 60th birthday party for my friend on the 16th and I'd be busy getting things ready for that. She was always happy when she knew that I was entertaining. It seemed to give her pleasure to know that I was doing something for others. Even at 54 years old, my heart was blessed to know that I somehow gave my Mama reasons to be proud of me.
I hugged her again, kissed her sweet face, told her I'd be back in a few days, to call if she needed me, that I loved her...
I walked down the hallway...and something (which I now know was the all-knowing Spirit of God living inside me) began to overwhelm my heart with a desire to tell her I loved her again. Silly...you just told her...I'm feeling it so strongly though...Why not?? So I turned my sassy tail around and went back. I opened her door, peeked inside, and said, "I just love you so much, my Mommy!"
With a look and a smile that could never be erased from my memory, she so happily replied, "And I love YOU so much!"

And that was the last time...the last chance..the last look..the last words.

I miss my Mother!! I won't ever, ever stop missing her!

But you know what? There is a God who lives inside me and who lived inside my mother who knew things that I didn't know. That same God who prompted me to go back that day IS God and He has promised me that my weeping will only last for the night and that a shout of joy will come in the morning!

I can never be grateful enough for the prompting of the Spirit of my God that day...for desiring to leave me with that last memory, those last words...

I'll see you in just a few days...I'll see you in the morning, my Mommy!! I think maybe it won't be long....

IF ONLY I'D ASKED

I need my Mama today!

 I need her tender understanding and I'm so longing for her wisdom! 

If I could have her precious self back for just a little while, there is no doubt in my mind what I would do! I would sit at her feet and ask her SO many questions and glean every ounce of wisdom I might have missed from her 83 years of life! 

 This is the one thing that I wish I'd done more of! 

 I learned so much from her but it saddens my heart with such grief to think what more I could have learned if only I'd been wise enough to ask! 

 My mother wasn't a perfect person but I'm sure that the mistakes she made became one of the very sources of her wisdom! 

 I'd like to tell her about the season of life I'm in now and I would ask, 

"How should I handle this? 
 What's the most important thing I should be focusing on now? 
 What are your thoughts about the decisions I'm making? 
 How do you think this will play out in the future? 
 Did you ever feel this way? 
 What should I do? 
 What things worked for you? 
 What things didn't work? 
 What advice can you give me for living out this stage and the rest of the stages of my life?" ..

...And every other question I could think of! 

 I would tell her that I SO value her advice and counsel! 
 I would tell her that her wisdom is of monumental importance to me and that I'm so very sorry that I didn't recognize just HOW important her wisdom was before it was too late. 
 I would tell her how much I admire her; that I honor her beyond words! 
And I would mean it! 

 This week an older woman said to me, "Bonnie, you will find that the older you get, the more invisible you will become. No one wants your advice anymore. No one asks for or values your wisdom." 

 That is about the saddest thing I've ever heard! 

 What on earth has happened in a society where younger people do not honor their elders anymore? Older people who have walked further down the road than we have are a gold mine of wisdom! An absolute treasure! To pass that up is nothing short of foolish pride and we are so much the poorer for it! 

 Mama is gone. No matter how much I wish for her back, there can be no more questions. 

But maybe, just maybe, there's another "someone's Mama" out there and maybe she'd let me borrow some wisdom that I'd have gotten from my own, IF ONLY I'D ASKED! 

And.....if someone out there is lucky, they'll read this blog and they'll never have to say, "If Only I'd Asked." 

"My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you." Proverbs 6:20-22