A Short Summation of my Life

The simple testimony of one BFI in a nutshell:
I am not a particularly ambitious person...I just want to love Jesus with all out, complete, crazy abandonment!

I have no desire for self promotion, I just want to love Jesus so much that it causes other's hearts to burn with love and desire for Him.

It matters not in the very least How He uses my life; whether alone on my knees or in some public way, I just want to promote the growth of a Kingdom of people who love Him with every fiber of their being.

It doesn't matter how much I know; it only matters that all I do know of Him, I love immensely!

It doesn't matter what He asks me to do, as long as He lives brightly in the depths of my heart!

I love Him so very, very much now, but I am painfully aware of how much more I COULD love Him!

This is what I live for! To know Him more and love Him supremely! This is my all consuming ambition and THIS is the summation of my life!

Wait! I Have a Plan!

JUNE 10, 2016 

Many years ago, after having had one very precious son, and having experienced a very emotionally painful miscarriage, Blake and I prayed one night that the Lord might give us another son. His answer to us was, “Wait. I have a plan!” And so, reluctantly we waited. And soon, I conceived and gave birth to a beautiful, charming son with stars in his eyes! And we were so glad that God asked us to wait for THIS child!! For he was the happiest, most captivating little soul, bringing us so much delight, laughter, smiles, and joy!

But then it seems that at about 8 months old God said, “Wait! I have a plan!” And that’s when God decided to infuse into this child a will stronger than iron and a spirit that cried, “Go forth to conquer all!” The extreme measure of both his charm and his mischief caused me to cry out in anguish, “Please tell me Oh God that you did not choose me to be the mother of the Antichrist!” One minute he was hiding under cars playing with matches that I would swear to you did not exist in the house, and the next he was gazing into my eyes, caressing my face, saying thoughtfully and tenderly, “Mama, You’s my queen!” I wrote in my journal that it was a very good thing that this child was so charming or I would surely have sent him back to wherever he came from!!! But God said, “Wait, I have a plan.”

And so we waited as the smiles and charm, together with the strong will to conquer were fused and channeled. And we watched as a man emerged from this child, full of strength, determination, purpose, integrity, character, and undeterred tenacity.

And we were glad we waited instead of putting him back!

He soon grew into a 6’4”, 250 lb. tight end with a vision to assist the AU Tigers in conquering the Bama Elephants and every other team in the nation. And God said, “Okay!”

And so, donning his championship ring, he reached the threshold of his dream to show the world what he could do as an AU Tiger.

But God said, “Wait! I have a plan!” And God infused into him a higher and nobler vision and required him to strip himself of the temporary glory of being a beloved football player for his favorite team on earth for the cause of serving his fellow man with the healing touch of God. He was asked to die to his former dream and to live to God’s. Few will ever know the heart of obedience that was required to lay down a dream that had burned in him since childhood. And yet...as obedience won out, the former passion was abundantly replaced with a more solid and enduring passion; to be and do what God had ordained for him.

And so, with his face set like flint, the young man set out to follow the vision and conquer the world of academia. And conquer he did! But it seemed too late, for the schools of medicine were reluctant to take him in. And once more, God said, “Wait! I have a plan!”

So we all waited as his own iron will, indeed his very person was melted down to become soft and pliable and ready for the Potter’s hand. As humility, gentleness, submission, and dependence on the One with the plan were being seared into his being, he continued to study, to teach other students at the university, to pray, and to trust.

Many told him to give up the vision, to teach, to follow a different path. (Did they know who they were talking to??? “Give up”??? to the man whose will is made of iron???) No, he knew that the vision had been implanted within his soul by a greater force than his own mind! And so, he waited. “My confidence is in the Lord,” he said.

Some time before finishing a Master’s Degreee in Bio-Medical Science, he was again denied to the School of Medicine for the 5th time. And once again, God said, “Wait! I have a plan!” And God sent a former AU All-American, NFL star turned physician to hire him to assist in his orthopaedic practice where he would be mentored by the best; where he learned to run a medical office efficiently; where he learned to walk in the shoes of a staff member in a medical practice; where he acquired personal skills that can never be learned in a classroom; where he made friendships that will last a lifetime; where a love for orthopedics grew within him, and most importantly where he met and fell in love with a beautiful young woman who would become his wife.

Yes, God’s “waits” are full of wisdom!

Today, after many years of waiting, working, sacrificing, praying, trusting, humbling himself, and working some more, he is sitting at this moment in a classroom at UAB School of Medicine! Today, God has said, “The wait is over. You have excelled in the classroom of life, now enter into the school of knowledge.”

This wait is over, but if I had my guess, it will not be the last! Oh no! The story of our son’s life has only just begun today.

The full plan is yet to be seen as to what will become of the man who has learned to patiently wait on the Lord. But this we know: ‘They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength! They will mount up with wings as EAGLES!” And for an AU Tiger, it just doesn’t get any better than that!!

Fly high, my son! And may the wind be always beneath your wings!

Written by: Bonnie Isbell

July 30,2012

Addendum: Today, March 17, 2016, Jon Isbell and Callie Wiginton Isbell will attend an Alpha Omega Alpha dinner where he will be honored for having received the highest honor a Med School student can achieve. He knows where all the glory belongs and we are all careful to lay it down at the feet of the One whose plans are always perfect! May his story inspire so many others to wait on the Lord, to trust in Him, and to place their confidence in His plan!

“We can make our plans, but THE LORD determines our steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Jon's Med School Graduation

On May 15, 2016, my little boy, Jonathan Andrew Isbell became Doctor Jon Isbell!

And words don't even go there...

So treasure these things up in your heart, girl because no one else on earth will ever know, other than your precious, precious God just how the GLORY got all over your heart and nearly suffocated your soul that day!!!

Soul breathlessness.

...How the light of God's presence just spread itself ALL OVER ME;

...How I must have been watching with my soul as much as with my eyes;

For utterly,

 unexpectedly...

what I saw walk into that arena was a beautiful little blonde headed boy...

And with each step...

he grew...

 as he walked closer to me...

And when he was close enough to look up at my eyes,

........There he was......

A man.

In an instant...

Right before my eyes.

"That's still my little boy," my soul cried. But nobody knew.

"My Lord and my God! That's my little boy!"......

ONLY....

He's not a little boy at all.

He's the most distinguished man, robed and wearing tassels of honor....

That charming child with stars in his eyes that gripped my heart and wrapped himself round about it, in and out, through and through and captivated me forever...

My "Sunshine"....

There he walks...

Tall, handsome, manly, wise, brilliant, Godly, noble...

That's my son.

No....

Nobody will ever know-

Only my God and I who shared every precious and hellacious moment of raising him and loving him until this moment.

And my heart falls broken before my God because there's no question what brought us to this day...

It's the same thing that's carried me all my life...

GRACE.

THAT'S ALL.

Just GRACE.
Just GRACE.

I am nothing but a debtor to some BIG, BIG, MEGA STUPENDOUS

GRACE.

I love you, little boy of mine!

You won't ever really know.

But here....

treasured up in my heart...

there's a vast ocean of love that no one's ever seen the depths of...

Just me...

And my God.

And that's enough.

How COULD anyone know...

It's too vast and too wide and too deep and too sacred.

I guess we'll just carry that little treasure together in my heart until the day I die, sweet Jesus...

Just You...

And me!

The Last Time I Heard My Mother's Sweet Voice

Crazy!! A whole year has passed since I heard my Morher's sweet, sweet voice.

It was April 14, 2013.
Mama had been admiring a big faced watch that I wore, so I had gone and bought her one just like mine. I had picked up a few other things to take to her and headed over to Wills Creek Village where she lived out her twilight years.
When I went in her room that day, she was sitting on her sofa circling words like she so often did. Circling words.... Circling words.... It had become her favorite past time...and it always sent a stab of pain through my heart. My Mama was SITTING for hours at a time with nothing to do but circle words!
If you knew my Mama, this was not her! If ever there was a "Martha" personality, busy, busy, ever so busy, it was her!
When I walked in her room, she immediately smiled that huge, happy smile, put down her "circle the words" book, and stood up to hug me. I held her and held her. When she began to pull away that day, I couldn't let her go. I felt like I wanted to just hold on to her forever, so I held on, holding my precious mother for a long time. Then I held her face in my hands, looked in her smiling eyes and asked her if she knew how much I loved her. Oh, she knew and I knew...as well as we COULD know. But do you really know how very much you treasure a soul until they are gone and you CAN'T look in their eyes and hold them and tell them again???
We sat and visited for a while and laughed and talked....I don't remember about what. I put some things I'd brought her away and then sat down on her couch with her, pulled out the new watch, put it on her, and showed her how to close the clasp. When you have little to do but circle words all day, a little thing like sporting a pretty, new watch is exciting stuff and I knew she'd be getting some extra moments of joy running around showing off her new "pretty."
I told Mama that I wouldn't be back for a few days because I was giving a big 60th birthday party for my friend on the 16th and I'd be busy getting things ready for that. She was always happy when she knew that I was entertaining. It seemed to give her pleasure to know that I was doing something for others. Even at 54 years old, my heart was blessed to know that I somehow gave my Mama reasons to be proud of me.
I hugged her again, kissed her sweet face, told her I'd be back in a few days, to call if she needed me, that I loved her...
I walked down the hallway...and something (which I now know was the all-knowing Spirit of God living inside me) began to overwhelm my heart with a desire to tell her I loved her again. Silly...you just told her...I'm feeling it so strongly though...Why not?? So I turned my sassy tail around and went back. I opened her door, peeked inside, and said, "I just love you so much, my Mommy!"
With a look and a smile that could never be erased from my memory, she so happily replied, "And I love YOU so much!"

And that was the last time...the last chance..the last look..the last words.

I miss my Mother!! I won't ever, ever stop missing her!

But you know what? There is a God who lives inside me and who lived inside my mother who knew things that I didn't know. That same God who prompted me to go back that day IS God and He has promised me that my weeping will only last for the night and that a shout of joy will come in the morning!

I can never be grateful enough for the prompting of the Spirit of my God that day...for desiring to leave me with that last memory, those last words...

I'll see you in just a few days...I'll see you in the morning, my Mommy!! I think maybe it won't be long....

IF ONLY I'D ASKED

I need my Mama today!

 I need her tender understanding and I'm so longing for her wisdom! 

If I could have her precious self back for just a little while, there is no doubt in my mind what I would do! I would sit at her feet and ask her SO many questions and glean every ounce of wisdom I might have missed from her 83 years of life! 

 This is the one thing that I wish I'd done more of! 

 I learned so much from her but it saddens my heart with such grief to think what more I could have learned if only I'd been wise enough to ask! 

 My mother wasn't a perfect person but I'm sure that the mistakes she made became one of the very sources of her wisdom! 

 I'd like to tell her about the season of life I'm in now and I would ask, 

"How should I handle this? 
 What's the most important thing I should be focusing on now? 
 What are your thoughts about the decisions I'm making? 
 How do you think this will play out in the future? 
 Did you ever feel this way? 
 What should I do? 
 What things worked for you? 
 What things didn't work? 
 What advice can you give me for living out this stage and the rest of the stages of my life?" ..

...And every other question I could think of! 

 I would tell her that I SO value her advice and counsel! 
 I would tell her that her wisdom is of monumental importance to me and that I'm so very sorry that I didn't recognize just HOW important her wisdom was before it was too late. 
 I would tell her how much I admire her; that I honor her beyond words! 
And I would mean it! 

 This week an older woman said to me, "Bonnie, you will find that the older you get, the more invisible you will become. No one wants your advice anymore. No one asks for or values your wisdom." 

 That is about the saddest thing I've ever heard! 

 What on earth has happened in a society where younger people do not honor their elders anymore? Older people who have walked further down the road than we have are a gold mine of wisdom! An absolute treasure! To pass that up is nothing short of foolish pride and we are so much the poorer for it! 

 Mama is gone. No matter how much I wish for her back, there can be no more questions. 

But maybe, just maybe, there's another "someone's Mama" out there and maybe she'd let me borrow some wisdom that I'd have gotten from my own, IF ONLY I'D ASKED! 

And.....if someone out there is lucky, they'll read this blog and they'll never have to say, "If Only I'd Asked." 

"My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you." Proverbs 6:20-22

Partners in Pain

Oh Lord my God, my partner in Pain,

You are not my Partner only to come to my rescue and deliver me out of all suffering. No sir! You have never said, “No stretching HER, no wrenching or twisting of HER heart, no agony of HER spirit or HER body. 

But ahhh, yes! When the covenant promises find their end result, the inheritance will be ALL mine; a life with no more sorrows, no more wrenching pain, a body raised up incorruptible, no more sickness, no more death, no more wrestling with agony from inside or from without. Yes, one day it IS coming, but until then, you have promised me that I’m going to get some scars that I, like You, will carry with me into eternity. Scars that for all eternity will be reminders that we laid down our lives in exchange for the others life. 

Every part of my flesh wants to be delivered from this! “Remove this cup from me! I don’t WANT these things to happen this way,” is my plea! I would like to have a covenant partner who just delivers me from all pain, who comes to my rescue and says, “NO WAY” to all things soul wrenching! Instead I have a covenant partner who walks close beside me, hangs onto me, keeps me held up so I don’t fall beneath the load; one who has told me by His own life that people will see and know the True God and desire Him when they see people who live in the reality of their world, who hurt like they do; people who have fightings within and fears without and they walk the path of sacrifice and suffering…..STILL CLAIMING ABUNDANT LIFE!!! No pain or heartache able to put out their hope; something inside them that cannot be destroyed no matter how horrific the blows.

I tell you, people will sit up and listen to a life like this! They say, “She knows what real life feels like and yet, there is a strength within her that I need.” People want to know how to live in the reality of a broken and hurting world because as much as we long to claim that it is otherwise, we ARE living in a broken and hurting world. We ARE living in one!!! 

So, how can we make it? We have a covenant partner who knows how to sacrifice. He tells me, “No, child, you CAN’T do it, but I can and I am here to do for you what you are too weak to do. I know how to hurt. I know how to suffer. I’ve done it. I know how to sacrifice…..to degrees unknown. And child, I know how to come out on the other side as the victor. Take my hand, hold on tight, and I will walk you through it.”

Someday, my Lord, I hope that our scars will show, like yours. Some people want to go into eternity without a single scar to show for it. They want YOU to be the only scarred one and they to have gotten off scar free. Not me, my Lord. I want eternity to tell the story that I thought this partnership to be worth something. I, like Paul, want to carry on my body the brand marks of Jesus, saying, “This relationship was worth some scars to me.” You will carry your scars for me forever, but I don’t want it to be a one way street. You are worth something to me; You are worth some scars.

Strange, strange scenario. The one with the most scars in the end will receive the most reward, for they are the ones who thought You most worth it. There will be a lot of people there who will have a lot more reward than I, for many have suffered far, far more. But where and when you do allow me to suffer, I will consider it an honor to tell the world, “He is worth it. He is worth it!!!!!” 

For THAT, my Lord is what You have told the world about me!

100 Characteristics of Big Girls

As a new grandmother, I have been deeply pondering just what I desire to help instill in my posterity. I see it as such a high and holy calling to have the privilege of praying for my grandchild's life and future.

As I have pondered specific things to pray for her, I have made a list.

On my list is that I and her mommie and all other women who will be influential in her life would demonstrate what it means to be a big girl.

So...for myself, I have made a list of 100 "Big Girl Characteristics"; things I want to be very conscious about demonstrating before her little eyes.

May you, my sweet darling child be so privileged as to live among big girls whom you can emulate.

I love you! And my prayers for you will never cease!

100 Big Girl Characteristics

1.Big girls show kindness to all people; even extraordinary kindness to those who have been unkind to her or those that she loves.

2. Big girls are unassuming, never assigning feelings or motives to others that are mere speculation.

3. Big girls have little concern over being overlooked because they aren't living to be looked at!

4. Big girls practice self control.

5. Big girls don't slander.

6. Big girls don't gossip.

7. Big girls don't listen to gossip or slander and don't believe everything they hear.

8. Big girls aren't mean.

9. Big girls are not known as people who are hard or impossible to please.

10. Big girls don't think that somebody must be blamed for every problem.

11. Big girls know that if they want to be respected as a lady, they are going to have to act like a lady.

12. Big girls are not manipulators.

13. Big girls do not allow themselves to be used or manipulated. Without being unkind, they simply back away.

14. Big girls are not demanding, expecting people to jump at their every wish or request. They do not portray the attitude that they are the only one with a need.

15. Big girls go the extra mile.

16. Big girls know that nothing in the world came to us for free. If we have it, SOMEBODY worked for it.

17. Big girls say, "Thank you"!

18. Big girls leave a place better than they found it and people feeling better about themselves after having been in their presence.

19. Big girls still say "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes Sir" to their Mama and Daddy.

20. Big girls never, ever, ever show disrespect to their parents or elders.

21. Big girls make their parents feel important, value their words, seek their advice, and recognize their contributions to themselves and others and ABSOLUTELY NEVER make them feel small in their own eyes or in others eyes.

22. Big girls take good care of all that has been entrusted to them.

23. Big girls try not to be a burden to others, but can humbly and gratefully accept help on occasions when it is needed.

24. Big girls know when and how to zip their lip; that if there is any question as to whether or not to speak, DON'T!

25. Big girls look for the good in others.

26. Big girls are modest and don't flaunt themselves.

27. Big girls prepare for the future and for their children's future.

28. Big girls are real and genuine.

29. Big girls ask questions and get their facts straight and don't mouth off about things they don't understand.

30. Big girls don't seek to look good by bragging on themselves nor by putting others down.

31. Big girls can be trusted with a secret.

32. Big girls do their good deeds privately if at all possible, never seeking recognition and accolades.

33. Big girls have the grace to overlook wrongs or insensitive actions, realizing that we're all just flawed human beings, including herself.

34. Big girls never make a public display of others shortcomings.

35. Big girls make room for others to be different than her and don't assume that differences make others wrong but rather make life more interesting.

36. Big girls cover flaws in others rather than exposing them.

37. Big girls protect whom and what they love; but they leave defending whom and what they love to God.

38. Big girls know how to be firm without being mean.

39. Big girls can laugh at themselves.

40. Big girls know their limits and do not carry guilt when they need to say, "No."

41. Big girls desire another's happiness and success even at the expense of some of their own.

42. Big girls live in the knowledge that they may not (and probably don't) know what it's like to live in another's skin and therefore give them every benefit of the doubt.

43. Big girls Never expect the world to be responsible for their messes or their happiness.

44. Big girls do not create drama or pull others into their problems.

45. Big girls talk to God about people, not to people about people.

46. Big girls live with the ever present knowledge that it is God's way to cause life to be doled out to us in the same way that we have doled it out to others and therefore they treat everyone as they want to be treated.

47. Big girls accept an apology graciously and gratefully, making it easy for others to apologize when necessary, remembering that the time will surely come when it is THEY who will have the difficult and humbling task of asking forgiveness.

48. Big girls don't make excuses.

49. Big girls are not lazy. They work hard.

50. Big girls know how to wait patiently.

51. Big girls think before they act or speak.

52. Big girls have goals.

53. Big girls Control their tongues!

54. Big girls don't whine and complain.

55. Big girls are not insensitive of others time by talking incessantly.

56. Big girls are honest and worthy of trust; beginning with being honest with themselves before God.

57. Big girls are more preoccupied with how "I" can improve than how someone else should improve.

58. Big girls aren't overly sensitive.

59. Big girls aren't easily offended.

60. Big girls are generous with compliments and encouraging words.

61. Big girls know how to share.

62. Big girls give credit where and when credit is due.

63. Big girls know when enough is enough and where to draw a line in the sand. They do not give away their dignity at the altar of abuse.

64. Big girls are not quitters.

65. Big girls do not "suck up" to people that they think they can gain some notoriety from. They treat all people the same.

66. Big girls value truth more than they value being popular. They don't fall for the lie that to teach truth is not loving.

67. Big girls look first and foremost to themselves when conflict arises and seek to know how they themselves can improve through the conflict.

69.Big girls are never too big or too old to seek advice and counsel from their Mama's or other older women.

70. Big girls cherish relationships and take more thought to what they can give than what they can get.

71. Big girls care more about others than about themselves.

72. Big girls seek God's agenda for their lives.

73. Big girls keep their priorities in order.

74. Big girls take responsibility seriously and are dependable.

75. Big girls listen well, both with their ears and with their eyes.

76. Big girls genuinely rejoice when others are praised or recognized.

77. Big girls are not jealous because another's happiness means every bit as much to them as their own.

78. Big girls are deeply appreciative of every kind thing another may do for them and gratitude is a defining characteristic of her life.

79. Big girls do not think that everything in life is about competition or about them.

80. Big girls know how to have fun responsibly.

81. Big girls have healthy self esteem because they know that people do not define them; God does.

82. Big girls are open and appreciative of constructive criticism when it is being offered from a heart that loves them and wants good things for them.

83. Big girls take a solid, unashamed stand for truth in the most loving way possible.

84. Big girls make wise choices, one day at a time.

85. Big girls don't use sarcasm or innuendos. They don't talk down at people.

86. Big girls are not perfect but they know how to say, "I'm sorry", and "I was wrong" and mean it.

87. Big girls are sensitive to the feelings of others.

88. Big girls would rather be known for their wisdom than for their position or social status.

89. Big girls do not solicit pity or indulge in self pity.

90. Big girls are courageous.

91. Big girls are confident.

92. Big girls need no ones approval but God's.

93. Big girls keep their promises.

94. Big girls allow their husbands to wear the britches.

95. Big girls are not bossy.

96. Big girls do not feel the need to avenge themselves but leave that responsibility to God.

97. Big girls never, ever, ever think they have reached a place of superiority in any area! They are always learning and improving.

98. Big girls are very much involved in the world while remaining distinctly separate.

99. Big girls do not have the "Superwoman Syndrome." They know how and when to rest.

100. Big girls know that it is impossible to truly be a big girl without the Spirit of the living God controlling their lives daily.